Thursday, 20 April 2017

Treading water

I'm treading water, waiting for the funeral I guess. 
I can't believe its only been a week since my last blog entry, it feels like...well...months  actually.   This week has passed in slow motion.

We looked after my cousin's daughter for a couple of days last week. Full on days,  she was lovely.  She's at the age where we can have proper conversations with her, and where she wants to do things.

Then I went to help my cousin pick out some clothes for my Aunt to be cremated in. My Aunt was very particular, and we wanted her to look her best, even though it's not an open coffin.    After a bit of hesitancy, we found the perfect ensemble, and we were both instantly agreed on it.

We deided to take the opportunity to clear most of her clothes out of the wardrobe, and I packed them in to my car to take them to a charity shop or a jumble sale.  It took me a while to decide where to take them and, in the meantime,  the car smells lovely - of her washing powder.

I started to write the Eulogy.  I started by making some notes of my own thoughts, and then grouping them.  Then I made a flow,   and I fleshed out the words.   I spoke to people to say that we were writing the Eulogy, and to give them some time to think.

I fleshed out my words, and eventually read it out loud (in my living room, on my own).    The first time I tried to read my draft, I couldn't get through it.    Several times later, and I could.

Talking to people was lovely, and very draining.  Each time I added in a new story or snippet,  I had to read it out loud over and over to be able to get through it without crying.

It took several days to get through it all.

We had dinner with my cousin and his family on Easter Sunday.  A tough time for them, as their normal Easter tradition revolved around them walking over to my Aunt's house. This was the first big occasion that she wasn't going to be there.   It was a lovely evening.     The kids went out briefly,  asn we took the opportunity for me to read the Eulogy to my cousin and his wife,  and we made the final tweaks.

It's ready now.  I just need to keep reading it out loud, so that I can get through it.  If I can't get through it when I'm on my own, I'll never be able to get through it on the day.

We had my DCD (darling cousin's daughter) again for 2 days this week,  so the clothes are still in my car.  I'll take them to the charity today.

I'm looking forward to the funeral, to seeing my extended family,  to  celebrating my lovely Aunt.  It's like this thing, looming, waiting. It feels like everythign has stopped until this thing is out of the way. 

It feels like we can't get on with the business of learning how to carry on, until the funeral is done.

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